*wakes up at 9* nice
*immediately falls asleep, wakes up at noon* less nice
The expression “when all is said and done” never really applies
to a situation like this one.
This work is never really done.
They call it the aftermath.
Like it’s wreckage you can clean up, an oil spill to skim off the ocean
or a town to rebuild after a hurricane,
when in reality nothing feels like reality anymore,
and nothing is able to fully be rebuilt or summoned from the ashes.
Inside every dream in which he’s touching you unwanted again
there’s another dream in which he touches you a second time
after you’ve already said no once.
Every nightmare is just a matryoshka of another.
You thought by being touched you could learn how to feel loved more
when in fact you’re just learning to feel loved less.
This work is never done. This work is never done.
You try to separate yourself from him, from even the parts of your skin
that made contact with his, like the Hubble Space Telescope made contact
with outer space, but you’re not a universe anymore,
that’s not how you feel anyway; you feel like there are no stars or galaxies
held inside you anymore, that you are nothing
but a black hole.
And this is the aftermath that you have to deal with,
alone in outer space while everyone else is pointing their own telescopes at you
taking photos of your “progress” in recovery
when all you really want is someone to hold your hand,
put down the camera, and tell you you can take as long as you need.
That one “no” should have been enough,
and the aftermath may really end up being forevermath
but you are strong enough to solve the equation.
Can someone teach me how to:
- Stop feeling guilty about things that aren’t my fault
- Have a thicker skin
- Give myself the benefit of the doubt instead of believing the worst about myself always
- Generally be a functional adult.
I won’t make a bucket list because I’m so afraid that I’ll die and then people will find my bucket list and be, like, “Oh, she didn’t get to do that.”
Why does my hair never look like this??
Italy + Water x
Here. Now. Please.
"I start my mornings convincing myself to open the windows, and let the new air replace the old. To let myself fold the sheets and leave behind all the doubts from yesterday under a well made bed. A freshly brewed cup of coffee filling the spaces in between scents of who I am behind closed doors. This is what I leave behind. This is what I go home to."
in my driving lesson this morning! 3 point turns are stressful! =/ But my general driving is pretty good now, my instructor said he was really impressed with how far I’ve come already :) Definitely feeling a lot more confident, and excited about being able to drive my own car next time I go home! Annoyed today though cos I had a little plan that after the lesson I was gonna shower and sort myself out and then take a walk to my old work and pop in to say hello, but cos it looked like it was gonna rain I didn’t bother… I was hoping it’d be a nice day so I’d have a nice stroll there in the sunshine (would take about an hour), but now I’ve missed out. And it’s still not even raining!! I wanted to go on a tuesday lunchtime/afternoon because of who would be in, and I wanted to go this week because it’s the last week of term next week and I’d be seeing most people at the meal next thursday anyway (though quite often a few people don’t make it). But I wanted to actually go in to the centre before the summer, to make sure I saw everyone, and to see the kids too! Ah well. Hopefully will go next week afterall. Gonna start looking at driving theory stuff this afternoon…